Post by braided-rug on Apr 19, 2006 11:02:36 GMT 10
of this article?
Unlocking the "Secret Code"
by Sue Blaney
It was an out-of-control household; her sister-in law hadn’t been kidding. Heather had warned Jane that her life was out of control, and the signs of this were everywhere as Jane and her family arrived for their annual Christmas visit. Piles of dirty laundry, open cereal boxes left on the kitchen table, empty soda cans littering the family room; that the sheets hadn’t been changed for a few weeks was the least of her worries.
Heather’s father had been in and out of the hospital over the last several weeks, which was what had finally put her over the edge. But on top of it, her two teenagers had been challenging her authority over the last few months, and Heather had complained about this to Jane in numerous telephone conversations. Heather felt her kids, her whole world, was spinning out of control. So, on their annual holiday family visit, Jane and her family were prepared for some turmoil.
Trouble was, Heather’s perception was that nothing short of a miracle was going to bring her home-life back into balance. She felt completely overwhelmed. Her kids were “running wild,” she had no time because of pressures at work; family finances were creating struggles; in short, she was a mess.
Heather knew, though, that Jane’s life was also busy. She, too, had teenagers, and a job. But Jane seemed to manage things relatively calmly. Heather asked a question parents often wonder about when they look at another family who seems to have it all together. What is the secret code? Just what is the secret that they have, that I am missing?
This uncovers a common misperception.
Parents who feel overwhelmed have a tendency to think that only a major and dramatic change – or miracle - is going to bring the household back into a proper balance. That sense of control they desire feels out of reach; and it feels very far away.
But often it is only small shifts and small corrective measures that will make a difference and start to bring things back to into balance.
Family therapists comment that parents who are in pain often look at other families who appear to be functioning well and think they must know a secret. Either they are lucky enough to have “perfect” kids, an enviable marriage, or they have unlocked that “secret code” for creating a peaceful and successful family life.
But there is no secret code.
Want to know what really counts?
When it comes to raising teenagers, it’s the basics that count the most. The basics are accessible by anyone and everyone. And these basics don’t change from one family to the next. They aren’t different for single-family households, or families of different economic backgrounds. No matter how out of control you may feel, you can take steps today toward making these basics happen, and they will have a positive affect on your household dynamics and relationships:
Show your teenager that you love him* – don’t just tell him, show him.
Let her know that you love her unconditionally. Your love is not dependent on her performance in school, or performance in anything else.
Let him know that you believe in him. You believe he is good, he has many wonderful qualities, and he can be successful.
Support her interests. Show her that what she is interested in really does have value, and really does matter to you.
Love him enough to hold him accountable. Kids can’t have free rein; parents must create boundaries that are appropriate, and they must be firm and consistent about keeping their teen’s behavior within those boundaries. This is a demonstration of your love.
These basics may not clean the family room or get the sheets changed, but they can, and do, have a major impact on your relationship with your teenagers every day. They are simple, effective steps that you can take to bring your families’ world back into balance.
Come to think about it, maybe they can help get the family room picked up. Holding your teenager accountable for some household chores is a great place to apply some firm and consistent rules that will benefit the whole family.
©2005 Sue Blaney
From: www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/articles/unlocking-the-secret-code.htm
I am happy at the moment because our son second mostly goes to bed early, it seems alot easier than when his brother was the same age, maybe having a TV in his room helps, I am not sure.
He goes to his friends on the weekend, and they seem to be going more into very nice stuff like going fishing and other nice things like that.
Unlocking the "Secret Code"
by Sue Blaney
It was an out-of-control household; her sister-in law hadn’t been kidding. Heather had warned Jane that her life was out of control, and the signs of this were everywhere as Jane and her family arrived for their annual Christmas visit. Piles of dirty laundry, open cereal boxes left on the kitchen table, empty soda cans littering the family room; that the sheets hadn’t been changed for a few weeks was the least of her worries.
Heather’s father had been in and out of the hospital over the last several weeks, which was what had finally put her over the edge. But on top of it, her two teenagers had been challenging her authority over the last few months, and Heather had complained about this to Jane in numerous telephone conversations. Heather felt her kids, her whole world, was spinning out of control. So, on their annual holiday family visit, Jane and her family were prepared for some turmoil.
Trouble was, Heather’s perception was that nothing short of a miracle was going to bring her home-life back into balance. She felt completely overwhelmed. Her kids were “running wild,” she had no time because of pressures at work; family finances were creating struggles; in short, she was a mess.
Heather knew, though, that Jane’s life was also busy. She, too, had teenagers, and a job. But Jane seemed to manage things relatively calmly. Heather asked a question parents often wonder about when they look at another family who seems to have it all together. What is the secret code? Just what is the secret that they have, that I am missing?
This uncovers a common misperception.
Parents who feel overwhelmed have a tendency to think that only a major and dramatic change – or miracle - is going to bring the household back into a proper balance. That sense of control they desire feels out of reach; and it feels very far away.
But often it is only small shifts and small corrective measures that will make a difference and start to bring things back to into balance.
Family therapists comment that parents who are in pain often look at other families who appear to be functioning well and think they must know a secret. Either they are lucky enough to have “perfect” kids, an enviable marriage, or they have unlocked that “secret code” for creating a peaceful and successful family life.
But there is no secret code.
Want to know what really counts?
When it comes to raising teenagers, it’s the basics that count the most. The basics are accessible by anyone and everyone. And these basics don’t change from one family to the next. They aren’t different for single-family households, or families of different economic backgrounds. No matter how out of control you may feel, you can take steps today toward making these basics happen, and they will have a positive affect on your household dynamics and relationships:
Show your teenager that you love him* – don’t just tell him, show him.
Let her know that you love her unconditionally. Your love is not dependent on her performance in school, or performance in anything else.
Let him know that you believe in him. You believe he is good, he has many wonderful qualities, and he can be successful.
Support her interests. Show her that what she is interested in really does have value, and really does matter to you.
Love him enough to hold him accountable. Kids can’t have free rein; parents must create boundaries that are appropriate, and they must be firm and consistent about keeping their teen’s behavior within those boundaries. This is a demonstration of your love.
These basics may not clean the family room or get the sheets changed, but they can, and do, have a major impact on your relationship with your teenagers every day. They are simple, effective steps that you can take to bring your families’ world back into balance.
Come to think about it, maybe they can help get the family room picked up. Holding your teenager accountable for some household chores is a great place to apply some firm and consistent rules that will benefit the whole family.
©2005 Sue Blaney
From: www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/articles/unlocking-the-secret-code.htm
I am happy at the moment because our son second mostly goes to bed early, it seems alot easier than when his brother was the same age, maybe having a TV in his room helps, I am not sure.
He goes to his friends on the weekend, and they seem to be going more into very nice stuff like going fishing and other nice things like that.
